lists
The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
Fifty fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood
10. Watch the bag fill.
9. Hyperventilate.
8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
3. Faint.
2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
Top ten signs you bought a bad computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Top ten ways to annoy your waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
Things Learned From Children
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a water bed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
McDonalds food ideas
Food Ideas Rejected By McDonalds:
Chicken McBobbitts
Salmon McNella
Tom & Roseanne "Together Forever" Value Meal
Shirley McLean Burger
McMenudo
Filet o' Gefilte Fish
Way Too Happy Meal
Lion King Hairball Happy Meal
Them Ain't Nuggets!
McKitty Sandwich
Boutrous Boutrous Burger
Rocky Mountain McOysters
McSpleen
The Depressed Meal
Filet O' Flesh
McShrooms
Bob Barker's Happy Pants Meal
McTonya Club Sandwich
Grumpy Meal, Dopey Meal, and Sneezy Meal
Having a very bad day
You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You from New York?
Signs You're from New York
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skill.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
The homeless are invisible.
The subway makes sense.
The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.
You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".
Your door has more than three locks.
You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.
Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.
The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
You complain about having to mow it.
You are a ski-ball juggernaut.
You consider Westchester "Upstate".
You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
Things dad won't say
Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.
Bad hostage negotiator
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
- Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
- Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
- Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
- Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
- Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
- Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
- Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
- Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
- Forget your gun at home.
- Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
- Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
As Negotiator:
Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
Show up stoned and do anything at all.
When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to Hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
Drink too much coffee
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee-mate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Excuses for sleeping
Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work
They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter - not harder.
Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I'm in the management training program.
I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken....
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
I'm just resting my eyes.
Too many Y2K fears
Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious
You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valuables.
You went to the bank on Monday and deposited $2000 of one & five dollar bills.
You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
You were depressed because nothing happened !!
You're a bad customer
You Might Be A Bad Customer If:
You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
You return the coffee because it's too hot.
You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
You dare ask for a discount at a restaurant because your kids didn't like their food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)
Wrong kid is mowing
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
No toes.
ll of life's annoyances
Doesn't It Annoy You When...
- ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
- ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
- ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
- ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
- ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
- ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
- ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
- ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
- ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
- ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
- ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
- ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
- ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
- ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
Tell him that he's stupid
Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few crumbs short of a crouton.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Has the intelligence of a Carrot.
You're no longer cool
You Are No Longer "Cool" When
You find yourself listening to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Bad to hear in surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Thinnest books around
Thinnest Books
The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
The Amish Phone Directory
Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
French Hospitality
Everything Women Know About Men
Everything Men Know About Women
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
Different Ways To Spell Bob
Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
The Wild Years-By Al Gore
Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
Human Rights Advances In China
To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.
Government problems
Things To Think About Our Government:
29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.
7 Have been arrested for fraud.
19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.
117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.
3 Have been arrested for assault.
71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.
14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.
8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.
84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.
How cold is it outside?
How Cold Is Cold?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Fun at others expense
30 Ways to Have Fun at the Expense of Others
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Fun to do in elevators
Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Scary fortune cookies
The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie
We know where you live.
You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
Everyone's meal today is on you!
The "special sauce" came from the floor!
Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe
Halloween handouts
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
Teeth removing Taffy
Metamucil in a straw
Ex-Lax Brownies
Caramel Covered Zucchini
Colored Crisco on a Stick
Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
Chocolate Covered Prunes
A Handful of Red Man
Anything that ticks!
Your dentist is crazy
The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy
Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.
His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"
Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.
Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.
He...ummm..licks his tools clean.
Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.
When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.
Wears a necklace made of human teeth.
Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.
Insists that a Novocaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him
Bad to say at funerals
Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
Geez, what died in here?
He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
Nice service...where's the keg?
When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
Very bad private eye
The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye
Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
His best disguise is wearing a hat.
Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
Well, he's blind.
Terrible history teacher
The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher
Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.
Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.
Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.
Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States.
Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.
Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.
Threatens to reenact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.
Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.
Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.
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